Spare the Rod {Part 2} Parenting with the Love of Christ

Yesterday on my blog I broke down what the Bible says about parenting and relationships in general. Today, I'd like to talk about some practical alternatives to spanking and punitive discipline. Here we go :) 

Alternative Disciplinary Methods

Gentle parenting, y'all. Ideally, we'd be able to be gentle and sweet to our kids all the time, right? But our patience wears thin, our tempers flare up, and our sinful nature combined with their choices sometimes leads to explosive situations. Time outs, yelling, and corporal punishment can feel seem like a good solution in the heat of the moment but are so damaging to the precious parent-child relationship.

Seasoned moms and dads may be understandably skeptical, and that's ok- I'm a brand new parent just now dabbling into discipline so I've deferred to the experts on this one. Please know that what you find here is not the product of my thoughts alone! I am blessed to be surrounded by a community of Godly mothers who have been through the ringer with their children of all ages. These tactics are a compilation of their advice, as well as techniques from Dr. Sears and of course the instruction of our Heavenly Father.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean rewarding bad behavior or simply letting kids off the hook. It is a productive set of techniques to help parents and children work together to heal wayward behavior while protecting the loving, kind relationship between them. 

While Jesus was not a parent in his time here on earth, He was a shepherd. He built deeply personal relationships with his disciples, acting as a guide and a teacher. Isn't that what we are called to as parents? We are charged with these little souls and while we are teaching them to walk, to get dressed, to eat with a fork, to spell, to ride a bike, and to be a citizen of the world, most importantly we are teaching them the love of Christ! This is our most essential charge. 

Time In!

We can best love our children by modeling Christ to them. This means we need to get on their level and speak their language, the way Jesus did for us. He used metaphors and stories throughout His teachings to better reach His followers. Jesus also shepherded his disciples- He by no means let sinful behavior fester and continue, and I am not advocating that either!

He did, however, find positive and constructive ways of handling sin issues with his disciples. This is where the idea of the "time in" comes from. When Jesus's disciples strayed or acted sinfully, He dedicated more time to their care and instruction, He didn't send them away! I love the example in John 21 when Jesus engages Peter in conversation in the face of doubt. Jesus doesn't sit him on a step to "think about his behavior", He pours love out over him!

Why isolate a wayward child when you could dedicate time to discuss the root of the issue? Time-outs are especially ineffective for toddlers, since bad behavior often stems from frustration at their lack of ability to communicate their needs and desires.  How much more productive would it be to talk about why a behavior came about, and work together to fix it? Quoting from attachmentparenting.org here:

"When you realize your child is approaching that dangerous overwrought place, suggest that the two of you take a time-in. Grab your cranky, belligerent little one and find yourselves a cozy corner. Snuggle up. Make it a game and laugh if you can. But if your child continues to act out those miserable feelings that are upsetting him, recognize that the most healing thing you can offer him at that moment is a chance to cry and get those feelings off his chest. Set whatever limits are necessary as compassionately as you can: "I won't let you throw that cup, sweetie." When he bursts into tears, welcome them and stay close. You'll find that your child is very different after a good cry."

Cool technique, right? There are lots of other productive, connective ways to deal with undesirable behavior, too!

Correct, Redirect, Distract 

Tiny ones like my daughter are a bit too young for the time in technique, so this one is the name of the game at our house. At 15 months, most of her undesirable behavior is not malicious, but more curious and a result of her exploring the great big world. Testing mom and dad for reactions, trying to learn what happens when she throws a toy, pinches an arm, pushes a button.

When a baby or young child engages in bad behavior, the first thing to do is let him know in a calm voice that the behavior is not appropriate. Avoid negative words, if possible. (Instead of "No, don't pull the kitty's tail!", try "Be gentle to the kitty! Gentle hands."). Demonstrate the proper way to act by modeling a good behavior. Little ones have trouble replacing bad behavior with good alternatives, so "no" often leaves them frustrated and feeling limited. Showing the positive behavior provides them with a "yes" opportunity to act properly.

If a child refuses to turn from the bad behavior, remove the opportunity to act out. Put away the toy being abused, etc. and begin an alternative activity. Again, a "no" alone leaves babies feeling frustrated since their brains can't yet come up with alternative behaviors. Being positive in providing a new distraction helps ease the impulse to act badly, and demonstrates what good behavior looks like. This works wonders in our house. Kids want to be good! They want to learn the proper way to act. It is no fun for anyone to be constantly punished/punishing, and these couple techniques can help families avoid a constant environment of negativity in the home.

Re-Focus: For Moms & Dads 

This next one isn't a discipline technique so much as it is a way for parents to step back and get a little perspective before dealing with wayward little ones. Especially with young children and babies who aren't being intentionally malicious, this phrase helps a lot:

That little saying gives me just what I need for renewed patience when I've nearly run out. Felicity is not crying while I shower just to annoy me. She is crying because she wants to play with me, and doesn't understand why she can't hop in the tub. She craves attention and interaction. She wants to be held. Yes, sometimes moms and dads need to shower, cook, clean, and generally do things with two hands! But she doesn't grasp that just yet. That phrase doesn't change her behavior, but it does correct my perspective!

For Older Children

As kids grow, they feel the need more and more to flex their muscles and push the boundaries set at home. This can be incredibly challenging for parents to deal with! I can't say I look forward to that stage, but I'm glad to have some tools in my belt to help deal with it. This printable tip-sheet is an excellent resource on how to connect with and positively discipline school-aged children.

Lastly: You're Not a Bad Parent

I can nearly guarantee that if you're reading this, you're not a bad parent. In fact, you're likely a very good parent who loves their kids incredibly! No parent enjoys spanking or disciplining their kids, and all I'm trying to do here is provide an alternative. In the end, we all have to make tough decisions about what works for our families, and I understand that. I hope you'll give this info some thought and prayer, and maybe give "time in"s a try in your home. Thanks for reading :)

xo Allison

Check out part 1 of this series here.

Spare the Rod {Part 1} Parenting with the Love of Christ

Felicity means happiness, and we couldn't have picked a better name for our sweet girl. She is the best of everything on God's green earth 90% of the time. Smiling, laughing, exploring, snuggling, and bringing joy to our family are her best skills. In her 15 months of life she has given us more fulfillment than we had ever found before.

There are times, though, when her toddlerhood gets the better of her. Her curiosity gives way to frustration and anger as she thrashes around for seemingly no reason. She whirls around like a clumsy tornado of tears until my patience wears thin and I am left at the end of my rope. What then? How does a Godly woman, a good mother, handle frustrating, maddening behavior?

Many good and loving parents will chime in here with the age old advice - "Spare the rod, spoil the child", and recommend using physical force to curb undesirable behavior. Claiming that this advice is straight from the good book itself, moms and dads of my and older generations continue to use spanking as a disciplinary tool. Let's debunk that myth right here and now:

What the Bible Doesn't Say:

Nowhere in the Bible will you find "Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child". I know, I'm as surprised as you are! How can that be? We've all heard it for ages! Nope, not in the bible at all! That phrase comes from a poem called "Hudibras" written in the 1600s by Samuel Butler. The reference in this context actually refers to violent sexual acts. Crazy how things get mutated over time, right? The verse that most believe they are referencing when they use this phrase is Proverbs 23:13-14:

"Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

Whoa... ok, that verse does seem to advocate for beating your kids. I mean, it says it right there! Lets look a little deeper before we get out the wooden spoon. The author at Arms of Love Family Fellowship says this better than I could, so I'll quote him here:

"Proverbs does speak of the rod, but what exactly is the rod? In Hebrew there are three main words that are translated into English as “rod” and the one used in Proverbs is “Shebet”. The Shebet was the large walking staff held by the head of a family, the shepherd’s crook, or the king’s scepter." (source)

So, that makes things a little more clear! The "beating" referred to here is actually the use of the Shebet "rod" to metaphorically shepherd and give correction to bad behavior. The source linked above has some more in-depth info on that specific phrase.

What the Bible Does Say

The author of the above linked source goes on to discuss the intent of the verse in a very thorough five-page-long entry. I won't get into everything the way he does, but you can click my source above to read it all. In quick summary, however, the rod referenced in this verse is a shepherd's crook. It is a guide, and it is the same rod referenced in this beautiful verse:

Psalm 23:4 - Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

The rod is a comfort! It brings relief in times of strife and confusion. It shows the way when the path is lost. It is wielded by a loving Shepherd to nudge us in the right direction. It is not a beating stick, by any means. 

God's word talks quite a bit about relationships, love, and how to treat others. This means our kids too. Yes, our kids are people! I'll let the Bible speak for itself, since you can fairly easily extrapolate a parenting philosophy based on these verses. Here's a little more of what scripture says about parenting and interpersonal relationships in general:

Matthew 18:10-14

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven. For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost."

Mark 9:50

“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt among yourselves, and be at peace with each other.”

John 15:12

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Romans 12:17-19

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."

1 Corinthians 12:21-27

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

1 Corinthians 13:4-6

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Ephesians 4:2

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

Ephesians 4:32

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Colossians 3:12

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

James 3:17-18

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love."

There are oh so many other verses that instruct us on how to relate to others but the theme is clear. Love, patience, gentleness, tenderness, giving each other regard and respect regardless of station. Of course we sometimes have to have tough times with our kids but these themes should always be the heart of our actions. Physical harm and punitive discipline don't fit with that at all!

But Spanking Works! Right?

Why do wonderful, loving, and Christlike parents use physical force to shepherd their littles? I can't count the times I've heard the phrase "my parents spanked me and I turned out just fine". Oof! For most, that was just the way they were brought up. I was brought up in a spanking house! Let me be fair to my parents here- I was spanked on incredibly rare occasions, and never ever out of anger. I was sent to my room to pray and consider my behavior while my parents took time to pray and cool off before coming to execute punishment. As far as spanking goes, that is about as loving as it gets, and I applaud my parents for that. 

Still, what I remember most about these rare spankings is the shame. Not shame over my behavior, but shame over myself as a person. Worthlessness, feeling unloveable, and marginalized. These feelings are not constructive, and intentionally provoking them is inconsistent with Christ's instruction to us! These negative feelings don't teach valuable lessons or foster a relationship of trust and love between a child and her parents. Certainly, punishment is not designed to be comfortable, but it should be productive, and physical harm is simply not.

Not to mention, spanking kids is literally shrinking their brains. Seriously! CNN reports:

"Researchers found children who were regularly spanked had less gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex that have been linked to depression, addiction and other mental health disorders, the study authors say. The researchers also found "significant correlations" between the amount of gray matter in these brain regions and the children's performance on an IQ test." (source)

Decreased gray matter decreases a child's impulse control, making it more difficult for him to control himself in the future. So, spanking is actually making this worse? Yikes! As if that wasn't bad enough, farther studies suggest that punishing kids with spankings is likely to make them more violent in future situations. 

"Several other studies support these findings. A 2010 study published in Pediatrics found that frequent -- more than twice in the previous month -- spanking when a child was 3 was linked to an increased risk for higher levels of child aggression when the child was 5." (source)

 Ok, so...

-The Bible advocates gentle guidance and comforting correction

-Punishing children using physical force results in increased aggression and decreased brain matter which reduces impulse control

-Physical punishment increases your child's risk of depression, addiction, and mental health problems

WHY do we still do this? and WHAT can we do instead? Check out the blog tomorrow for part 2 of this mini series on discipline where we'll discuss some alternative methods. I'd love to know your thoughts! Thanks for reading :)

xo Allison

Check out Part 1 of this series here.

{Recipe} Parmesan Encrusted Chicken Tenders

Easy meals are the name of the game in the Buchman house. Don't get me wrong, we get creative and try something new every once in a while, but most of the time 15 minutes from fridge to table is all we've got in us after a long day at work.

My mom used to make these delicious chicken tenders when I was little, and they are a crowd pleaser for sure. Even picky eaters will love these- we used to joke that my younger brother was an adventurous eater because he would try chicken tenders at any restaurant in the world. I think these yummy tenders made it on the menu just about weekly when he went through that phase! The recipe is so simple, you just cant go wrong making them!

These aren't exactly health food since they are fried, but they are real food- scratch made from good ingredients! Here's what you'll need:

Ingredients:

1lb Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

3/4 Cup Plain Bread Crumbs

3/4 Cup Grated Parmesan Cheese (We buy pre-grated- did I mention we like easy??)

1/2 Cup Milk

1 Egg

1/2 Cup Flour

1 tsp Salt

1 tsp Black Pepper

1 tsp Garlic Powder

1 Tbsp Parsley Flakes (for color - optional!)

1/4-1/2 Cup Oil of your choice for frying

Method:

Whisk together the egg and milk in a small bowl, and set aside. In another bowl, combine the bread crumbs, cheese, salt, pepper, parsley, and garlic powder. Mix with a fork so the ingredients are evenly distributed. Then, scoop the flour onto a small plate.

Slice the chicken breasts lengthwise into 1/2in thick tenders. Then, start breading!

First, coat the tenders completely with flour. Then, dunk each one in the egg wash. Finally, press each tender into the breading mixture until completely covered. I use a little pressure with my fingers to make sure the breading is really stuck on there.

Heat the oil in a pan on medium high heat. Lay the breaded chicken strips in the hot oil to cook for 3-4 minutes before turning. Keep an eye on them and once the color looks golden brown, then it's time to flip. It is really important not to move them too much in the pan before turning so the breading doesn't come off and you get a nice crispy texture. Add more oil as you see fit while you're frying. Cool on a wire rack for a minute or two, and then serve!

These chicken tenders are a major family favorite. They're great on a salad, served with dipping sauces, or as an appetizer or snack while watching a game. I hope you'll make these for your family, and let me know what you think!  Share with me in the comments below, what are your favorite easy family recipes? I would love to try them out! Thanks for reading!

xo Allison

What Are We Going to Eat? {Meal Planning 101}

You roll in the door from work, baby in one arm, lunch boxes and work bags in the other. Somehow you free up one hand to muscle the door open and corral the kids inside. Coats and shoes off, diapers changed, and you sit down on the couch for a hot second. Then, it hits:

"I'm hungry. What are we going to eat?"

Crap. They need to eat... AGAIN?! 

Staring into the fridge and pantry, you try to scrape together a healthy meal with haphazard ingredients, and run to the store again for a couple more things to make a meal for the family. This was the story of our evenings for a long time, and it is so tiresome!

Meal Planning to the Rescue

The idea of meal planning was pretty intimidating but it couldn't be any worse than the nightly struggle to figure out what to make, right? Turns out, it was pretty easy! If you want to get your family off the "whats for dinner" merry-go-round, check out these simple steps to start your meal plan. 

1) Answer the Question...

What does your family like to eat? How much time do you want to spend making dinner each night? Do you want to have leftovers? These are all things to think about as you plan your menu. It may help to have a little "word bank" of meals that you can pull from when you are stuck in a rut. I keep a list of meals on my "notes" app in my iPhone that I scroll through for inspiration. Quickly jot down 7 dinners you'd like to eat this week, and include breakfasts and lunches too if you'd like to do that.

2) Keep It Interesting!

Unless you enjoy eating the same thing several days in a row, you're going to want some variety in your week. Here's how I break up our week:

Meal Variety:
1 - Mexican (Burritos, Quesadillas, Fajitas, Nachos, Beans and Rice, Mexican Salad, etc.)
1 or 2 - Italian Inspired (Pasta Skillet, Noodles and Sauce, Lasagna, etc.)
1 - Asian Inspired (Stir Fry, Egg Rolls, Fried Rice)
1 or 2 - Comfort Food (Grilled Cheese, Chili, Chicken Noodle Soup, Chicken Fingers & Salad, etc.)
1 Wild Card (Breakfast for Dinner, Leftovers, Order In, Try a New Recipe Night, "Whatever is in the Fridge" Night, etc.)

This is pretty fluid, of course, and some times we eat more or fewer in each category. I also do my best to keep a variety of protein sources and ingredients in the menu so that we get a good round diet. We aren't great at making sides with our main dishes most of the time, so I try to include a nice balance of main dishes throughout the week. Chicken is the most affordable meat source for us, so we eat that several times a week. Pork and especially beef are more expensive, so we eat those sparingly.

Ingredient Variety:
1 - Beef Meal
3 - Chicken Meals
1 - Pork Meal
2 - Vegan or Vegetarian Meals (Include eggs, cheese, legumes etc.)

We don't decide which meals we eat on which days, but if that works for your family, you can. I find it is easier to say "we have these meals on hand- what do we want for tomorrow?" and then toss that meat item in the fridge to thaw if necessary.

3) Make Your List

We do our meal planning on the way to church each Sunday, since we do our weekly shopping following church. We have a 30 minute commute to the worship service, so while my husband drives, I plan! I do keep a running list of things we need on my Notes app, and I usually have a pretty good idea of what is in our fridge and pantry. If you're trying new recipes, it is a good idea to print out or keep links to those recipes on your phone so you can refer to the ingredient lists while you plan your grocery trip.

I find it helps me to make my grocery list in the order that we pass through the store-
Veggies, Meats, Beverages, Dry Goods, Cleaning & Pet Supplies, Dairy, Frozen, and Personal Care. 
That's how our grocery store is organized, and since we shop there every week, I'm very familiar with the store layout. Listing this way keeps me from forgetting things, and makes our trips quick since we don't have to go back to other areas of the store or wind through every aisle looking for the items we need.

As you make your list, be realistic about what you can afford if you're trying to stick to a budget. We limit our grocery trips to $100 each week, and this is more than enough for our family of 3 most of the time. I do shop with coupons and try to take advantage of specials and store sales as well, and we never have issues affording all the items we need. Some of the food staples we try to keep in stock are:

Apples
Berries
Russet Potatoes
Salad Fixin's
Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
80/20 Ground Chuck
Italian Sausage
Lunch Meat
Coffee & Tea
Old Fashioned Oats
Tortillas
Whole Wheat Pasta
Barilla Traditional Pasta Sauce (a good clean canned sauce option!)
Salsa
Black beans
White & Brown Rice
All Purpose Flour
Bread Flour (we make all our own bread)
White & Brown Sugar
Active Dry Yeast
Spices for Taco Seasoning
Milk
Eggs
Butter
Yogurt
Block or Pre-sliced Cheese for sandwiches

4) Stick to Your Budget

If you don't budget, keep scrolling, but the budget is one of the major reasons we meal plan! As I toss things in the cart, my husband keeps a mental tally of how much our groceries will cost. Granted, we have a pretty good idea of what we'll need to spend for the week, but with sales and coupons and "Oh crap I need coffee", things sometimes change once we're at the store. That way, if items we buy a lot of are on sale, we can stock up if our budget allows, or even pick up a few treats.
Once at the checkout, we scan things in order of priority- essential meal plan items first, stock up and "maybe this can wait until next week" items last.

5) Store Your Foods

This might seem silly, but we portion out all our meats into "one dinner" containers when we get home from doing groceries. Two chicken breasts or 1lb of beef go into a quart sized freezer bag and I press the items flat for easy freezing and thawing.
If you have a lot of chopping and dicing to do for meals through the week, this is a good time to do that as well.Onions, carrots, peppers, garlic, and other veggies and herbs can be portioned out into large Tupperware containers or Ziploc bags to be stored in the fridge or freezer for simple weeknight prep. I know I have a lot more time to plan and prepare on Sunday afternoon than I do on a weekday after work!

6) Let Them Eat Meals!

Here's the fun part! Stress free meal prep and eating. As I said, we don't schedule our meals for specific days of the week, so each evening while we make lunches, Scott and I decide what we'll have for dinner the next night. We try to pick our meal based on how much time we'll have to prepare it, what activities we have in the evening, and what our plans for the week are. If we're making a meal with lots of leftovers (Chicken noodle soup and chili are big ones!), we try to make that toward the beginning of the week so we'll have easy lunches to bring to work.

So that's it! Meal planning seems like a really big scary involved process but it can be an awesome tool to help simplify your family's life, and it is as easy as making a list of meals, shopping, cooking and eating! You can plan by the week, or even by the month ahead of time, saving you that angst every night as you stare into the fridge. I hope you enjoy this little tutorial, and please let me know if you try it out! Thanks for reading.

xo Allison

{Recipe} Coconut Almond Granola

With spring comes new life, crocuses poking through the earth, birds chirping, and a fresh reminder that warmer days are coming. Spring also brings Easter, and with Easter come houseguests! Whenever I have guests come to stay I try to have a few little treats in the house, homemade or otherwise. Homemade granola is one of my favorite treats to keep in stock, and today I'm sharing my recipe with you!

This isn't necessarily a health food, but it makes a really yummy breakfast with milk and berries, or sprinkled on a little greek yogurt. Sweet and crunchy, kids and adults alike will love this stuff. Here's what you'll need:

Ingredients:

3 cups old fashioned or quick oats
1 cup sliced almonds
1 cup coconut (sweetened or unsweetened, your choice)
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup honey (substitute maple syrup or agave for babies under 1!)
3 T coconut oil
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Method:

Preheat your oven to 350*.
Optional step: quickly toast your almonds on a cookie sheet. This ads some nice depth of flavor but I skipped this step today.

In a large bowl, combine your oats, almonds, coconut, salt, and sugar into an even mixture. I prefer to use my hands for mixing throughout this recipe but feel free to use a spoon or spatula if you don't want to get dirty.

In a small glass bowl, add your honey and coconut oil and heat until oil is melted. Add vanilla extract and cinnamon to the bowl and mix with a fork.
Pour the honey mixture over the oats and use your hands to work evenly through until the oat mix is uniformly damp.
Spread your mixture out on a nonstick baking sheet (I used my silicone mats, of course!) and bake for 5 minutes at a time, turning and stirring in between, until you reach desired color. I baked my granola for 15 minutes total. Allow granola to cool on the baking sheet
Note that the granola will not be crunchy when it comes out of the oven- it will crisp up as it cools. Store in a sealed bag or bowl for serving throughout the next few weeks, if it lasts that long!

We love this recipe, and it is so customizable to your tastes! Here are some different serving options-

• Add chopped dried fruit, such as cranberries, apricots, or banana chips
• Mix with M&Ms and nuts for a DIY trail mix
• Spread apple slices with peanut butter and dunk in granola. Makes a great afternoon snack!
• Layer with yogurt and berries in mason jars for a pretty parfait
• Sprinkle over ice cream for a yummy sweet crunch

I hope you give this recipe a shot and enjoy it! Let me know if you do, and comment below, how do you impress your houseguests? What special things do you do to treat the people you love? Thanks for reading.

xo Allison

Why I Gave Up on Homemade ~ A Story of Soap and Science

It all started with the socks. After just a few months of using my homemade laundry soap, our white socks started looking grubby and gray. Sweat stains weren't coming out of our workout clothes like they used to. Then, when I starting washing Felicity's clothes, her cute light pink dresses turned to a dingy gray washout color... All of these things should have been clues that our homemade soap wasn't doing the trick, but I kept using it.

When we switched over to cloth diapers, a wonderful friend guided me to FluffLoveUniversity.com and kindly mentioned that I shouldn't use my homemade "detergent" with the diapers. I am a big fan of scientific evidence, facts, and studies so I kept digging to figure out why. What was so wrong with my homemade laundry soap? Its all natural, safe for babies' sensitive skin... Win win! Right?

Wrong.

What I found out was initially shocking, but the more I read, the more it all made sense.

1 - Homemade "detergent" ISN'T detergent at all.

"According to the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) A detergent is made up of Surfactants, Builders, Bleaches, Colorants, Optical Brighteners, Solvents, Wash Water" (source)

"Surfactants are molecules that are made up of a head that is hydrophilic (water loving) and a tail that is hydropobic (loves grease and dirt). In the wash, the fecal matter and urine attach to the hydrophobic section of the surfactant and are lifted away with the water by the hydrophilic section."
(source)

Basically, real detergent MUST contain Surfactants since those are the molecules that really do the heavy lifting to get things clean.

The homemade stuff I used has the following ingredients:
Fels Naptha bar soap - Use: Stain Pretreater
Washing soda - Use: Water Softener
Baking soda - Use: Brightener
Borax - Use: Water Softener
Purex Crystals - Use: Scent booster

 .... no surfactants? uh oh! This mix is really just a bunch of water softeners and brighteners with a tiiiiny amount of soap. Yes, water softeners are important to use when laundering in hard water (more on that here), but alone they really don't do any cleaning at all! How is that supposed to clean regular everyday dirt let alone poop and pee from diapers?! Yikes!

2 - The amount of soap is just not enough!

The recipe above recommends 2 Tbsp of laundry "detergent" per load of laundry. With all the various ingredients in that mix, the actual quantity of soap in the washer is pretty much insignificant. Now if we add a whole lot of the homemade mix to compensate for the tiny amout of soap, you'd end up with buildup and soap scum residue on your clothing, since the Fels Naptha soap is really not formulated to work in a washing machine. It won't break down properly, causing it to redeposit onto your clothing along with all the dirt and oil it traps causing, you guessed it, GREY SOCKS. Gross.

Yikes. So not only does this stuff not work, it isn't even really laundry detergent.

Ok, Now What?

I was so discouraged to read this, but it really confirmed my suspicions that our "detergent" was not doing the trick. I thought I was doing the inexpensive, healthy thing for my family! Turns out, not so much! I started by figuring out what I could use to keep my cloth diapers clean, and went from there. 

There is tons of misinformation out there about cloth diaper cleaning, but it turns out you can use almost any detergent, as long as it has surfactants (aka, is a real detergent!), and doesn't contain fabric softener (which can cause your diapers to repel wetness rather than absorb it). FluffLoveUniversity.com has an awesome detergent index which tells you what detergents are safe, which are not, and how much to use for your pre-wash and regular wash.

(For those who don't know, it is important to do a short wash cycle before your "main wash" with cloth diapers, so you aren't doing the majority of your wash in dirty water).

At first, I picked up a weaker plant-based detergent at the dollar store because it was really CHEAP, $4 for a huge jug that boasted it would last for 105 loads. Don't get me wrong, this worked just fine, but because it was so weak, I had to use a FULL cap in my pre-wash and TWO caps full in my main wash. Let me tell you, it did NOT last for 105 loads... not even close. Not so cheap after all!

Back to the Drawing Board

When all else fails, defer to the experts. Who is the laundry expert, you ask? TIDE. I know, I know, its not very crunchy, natural or free from synthetic chemicals... but it WORKS. When it came down to it, I had to decide between chemical free** and clean... I'm sorry, but if clean is wrong, I don't want to be right! Let me tell you, after just ONE wash with Tide Original Liquid Detergent, my clothes are looking worlds better. If Tide is too much for your budget, or you're looking for something a little different, check out this awesome flow chart. It is intended for cloth diaper users, but it really applies to any laundry! I'm planning to try Foca in the future, since I've heard really good things about it and its very budget friendly.

What About that Soap Scum Build-up?

Since my clothes, towels, bedding etc. have all been washed in this non-detergent for over 2 years, they have taken quite a beating. The bedding in particular was starting to look dingy so I did a strip cycle to get it looking really new again. Stripping is a chemical process that pulls all the junk out of your fabrics, such as soap scum or hard water buildup, which I had in SPADES. Wondering if you need to strip your fabrics/cloth diapers? Check out this graphic from fluffloveuniversity.com to know if you should do a strip:

I went down that list and it was a bunch of YES answers, so I headed for the tub with my *gasp* CHEMICALS to fix this. Beware, you should always wear gloves when handling these harsh chemicals, and this is not a gentle process for your fabrics so this should not be a frequent practice. If you find yourself stripping your cloth diapers often, most likely they are not being cleaned properly with your wash routine. If thats your issue, check out FluffLoveUniversity.com to see how to get them clean-really clean- in the first place. Here's what you need to do to strip your laundry!

I chose the DIY mix (of course), and I didn't have Calgon on hand but I used the washing soda and borax with a little Tide to strip my pretty quilt that was white once upon a time. This is what I started with:

YIKES. Do you see that water? That was after a whole 10 minutes in the strip soak. I let it soak like that for 4 hours while the water cooled, then pulled it out, rinsed it in the washer, and dried it before putting it back on the bed. The difference is like night and day. I'll let you see for yourself:

Hello gorgeous! It feels so soft and smooth and clean, just like the day we unwrapped it at our wedding shower! This is the only thing I've stripped so far, but our towels are next and I'll be sure to share those results as well.

So What Have We Learned?

There is a lot of fear mongering out there surrounding "chemicals"... You know what? 

Chemical (kĕm′ĭ-kəl) noun.
A substance with a distinct molecular composition that is produced by or used in a chemical process.

**EVERYTHING is made of chemicals. You are chemicals. The phone you're looking at this with is chemicals. Your delicious organic snack is made of chemicals. Some chemicals are more dangerous than others, certainly, and we should be careful to educate ourselves about things we use in our homes and around our families. We should also be aware, however, that "all natural" things can be just as dangerous as synthetic, harmful chemicals, and the reverse- that science and synthetic chemical products are not all bad! It is naive to be innately suspicious of something just because it doesn't come from the earth. Sometimes, science brings us fabulous solutions to problems in our lives and with proper research and information, it is wise to embrace those solutions.

My socks are white, my daughter's light pink dresses are light pink again, and everything feels soft and truly clean. If the reason for that comes in an orange bottle, I still consider that a WIN!

Have more questions about stripping, hard water, diaper laundry or something else? Leave me a comment or stop in at my Facebook page! Thanks for reading :)

xo Allison

{Recipe} Honey Whole Wheat Graham Crackers

I'm always looking for baby snacks that are easy to make and take, that Felicity actually likes to eat. When my friend Liz shared this recipe with me I just had to try it out and I'm so glad I did! These homemade graham crackers are super easy to prepare and they are a hit with our whole house. Mine turned out a little more cookie-like than intended but I kinda love that! These are naturally sweetened with honey, and even have some whole wheat flour in them so I feel good eating them and giving them to the baby! Here's what you'll need:

(Original recipe found here)

Ingredients:

1 cup whole wheat flour
1½ cups all purpose flour
½ cup dark brown sugar, packed
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ cup butter, chilled & cubed
¼ cup honey
¼ cup water
1 teaspoon vanilla

Method:

Combine your dry ingredients in a bowl or food processor and mix thoroughly. Add the butter and using your food processor, hand mixer or pastry cutter, combine with the dry mix until you reach a mealy consistency. It is important to keep the butter very cold before mixing, like you're making a pie crust.

Last, add the vanilla, honey, and water and continue to pulse/mix until the dough takes shape. It will look like a sandy consistency in the bowl, but will stick in a ball when pressed together. Turn the dough out onto a floured or non-stick surface (I used one of my silicone baking mats - I'm totally obsessed with these!) and roll out into thin disk, about 1/4" to 1/8"thick. The thinner you roll out your dough, the crispier your crackers will turn out.

Use cookie cutters to cut out shapes for your crackers. I picked some spring shapes since it was the first day of spring this week! Sure, its snowing here in Northern Michigan, but butterfly shaped crackers make it seem springy anyway!

Arrange your crackers on a non-stick baking sheet (did I mention I'm obsessed with these!?) and bake at 350* for 10-15 minutes. My oven runs hot so I only baked for 10 and these came out just perfect!

I got about 2 dozen cookies out of this recipe and its a good thing, because they are going FAST! Felicity made short work of one right out of the oven. The little hint of cinnamon makes these feel like such a treat, but they are really not a bad-for-you snack!

True confessions- I whipped up a quick batch of buttercream frosting for a treat and my hubby and I had it on these as an afternoon snack with some tea. Y-U-M! I'd like to figure out a chocolate variation of these cookies in the future, and I'll be sure to share the recipe here if I do!

I hope you enjoy this little whole wheat treat! Check in later this week for an update on my cloth diapering journey, and info on how to get your diapers *really* clean. Thanks for reading!

xo Allison