Felicity means happiness, and we couldn't have picked a better name for our sweet girl. She is the best of everything on God's green earth 90% of the time. Smiling, laughing, exploring, snuggling, and bringing joy to our family are her best skills. In her 15 months of life she has given us more fulfillment than we had ever found before.
There are times, though, when her toddlerhood gets the better of her. Her curiosity gives way to frustration and anger as she thrashes around for seemingly no reason. She whirls around like a clumsy tornado of tears until my patience wears thin and I am left at the end of my rope. What then? How does a Godly woman, a good mother, handle frustrating, maddening behavior?
Many good and loving parents will chime in here with the age old advice - "Spare the rod, spoil the child", and recommend using physical force to curb undesirable behavior. Claiming that this advice is straight from the good book itself, moms and dads of my and older generations continue to use spanking as a disciplinary tool. Let's debunk that myth right here and now:
What the Bible Doesn't Say:
Nowhere in the Bible will you find "Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child". I know, I'm as surprised as you are! How can that be? We've all heard it for ages! Nope, not in the bible at all! That phrase comes from a poem called "Hudibras" written in the 1600s by Samuel Butler. The reference in this context actually refers to violent sexual acts. Crazy how things get mutated over time, right? The verse that most believe they are referencing when they use this phrase is Proverbs 23:13-14:"Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
Whoa... ok, that verse does seem to advocate for beating your kids. I mean, it says it right there! Lets look a little deeper before we get out the wooden spoon. The author at Arms of Love Family Fellowship says this better than I could, so I'll quote him here:"Proverbs does speak of the rod, but what exactly is the rod? In Hebrew there are three main words that are translated into English as “rod” and the one used in Proverbs is “Shebet”. The Shebet was the large walking staff held by the head of a family, the shepherd’s crook, or the king’s scepter." (source)So, that makes things a little more clear! The "beating" referred to here is actually the use of the Shebet "rod" to metaphorically shepherd and give correction to bad behavior. The source linked above has some more in-depth info on that specific phrase.
What the Bible Does Say
The author of the above linked source goes on to discuss the intent of the verse in a very thorough five-page-long entry. I won't get into everything the way he does, but you can click my source above to read it all. In quick summary, however, the rod referenced in this verse is a shepherd's crook. It is a guide, and it is the same rod referenced in this beautiful verse:Psalm 23:4 - Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
The rod is a comfort! It brings relief in times of strife and confusion. It shows the way when the path is lost. It is wielded by a loving Shepherd to nudge us in the right direction. It is not a beating stick, by any means.
God's word talks quite a bit about relationships, love, and how to treat others. This means our kids too. Yes, our kids are people! I'll let the Bible speak for itself, since you can fairly easily extrapolate a parenting philosophy based on these verses. Here's a little more of what scripture says about parenting and interpersonal relationships in general:
Matthew 18:10-14
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven. For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost."Mark 9:50
“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt among yourselves, and be at peace with each other.”John 15:12
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."Romans 12:17-19
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."1 Corinthians 12:21-27
"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."1 Corinthians 13:4-6
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."Ephesians 4:2
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."Ephesians 4:32
"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."Colossians 3:12
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."James 3:17-18
"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love."There are oh so many other verses that instruct us on how to relate to others but the theme is clear. Love, patience, gentleness, tenderness, giving each other regard and respect regardless of station. Of course we sometimes have to have tough times with our kids but these themes should always be the heart of our actions. Physical harm and punitive discipline don't fit with that at all!
But Spanking Works! Right?
Why do wonderful, loving, and Christlike parents use physical force to shepherd their littles? I can't count the times I've heard the phrase "my parents spanked me and I turned out just fine". Oof! For most, that was just the way they were brought up. I was brought up in a spanking house! Let me be fair to my parents here- I was spanked on incredibly rare occasions, and never ever out of anger. I was sent to my room to pray and consider my behavior while my parents took time to pray and cool off before coming to execute punishment. As far as spanking goes, that is about as loving as it gets, and I applaud my parents for that.
Still, what I remember most about these rare spankings is the shame. Not shame over my behavior, but shame over myself as a person. Worthlessness, feeling unloveable, and marginalized. These feelings are not constructive, and intentionally provoking them is inconsistent with Christ's instruction to us! These negative feelings don't teach valuable lessons or foster a relationship of trust and love between a child and her parents. Certainly, punishment is not designed to be comfortable, but it should be productive, and physical harm is simply not.
Not to mention, spanking kids is literally shrinking their brains. Seriously! CNN reports:
"Researchers found children who were regularly spanked had less gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex that have been linked to depression, addiction and other mental health disorders, the study authors say. The researchers also found "significant correlations" between the amount of gray matter in these brain regions and the children's performance on an IQ test." (source)
Decreased gray matter decreases a child's impulse control, making it more difficult for him to control himself in the future. So, spanking is actually making this worse? Yikes! As if that wasn't bad enough, farther studies suggest that punishing kids with spankings is likely to make them more violent in future situations.
"Several other studies support these findings. A 2010 study published in Pediatrics found that frequent -- more than twice in the previous month -- spanking when a child was 3 was linked to an increased risk for higher levels of child aggression when the child was 5." (source)Ok, so...
-The Bible advocates gentle guidance and comforting correction
-Punishing children using physical force results in increased aggression and decreased brain matter which reduces impulse control
-Physical punishment increases your child's risk of depression, addiction, and mental health problems
WHY do we still do this? and WHAT can we do instead? Check out the blog tomorrow for part 2 of this mini series on discipline where we'll discuss some alternative methods. I'd love to know your thoughts! Thanks for reading :)
Beautifully and lovingly written!
ReplyDelete